By UnkleBus
Ok here’s something new. A movie which leaves out most of the action sequences piling work to the sound fx guys. If you think Aeon flux was stupid, try walking on your hands backwards while clapping your feet and making duck sounds in public. Even that would still not be able to come close to what the movie has to offer.

The feeling I had after watching the movie was that of the producers, “stars” and director laughing at you, like a cruel April fool’s joke, whereby you unwittingly paid money to go waste more than 2 hours of your life but thank my lucky stars, the movie was sponsored by FlyFM. (I feel FlyGuy is having the last laugh now, having put his listeners through torture) Now if you think that you may want to buy the DVD because it ain’t worth your money watching it on the big screen don’t. The point is that it is NOT worth your money.

Besides it being the epitome of corny one liners, bad graphics and silly Asians who can’t aim for fucks (the blood chinois) the movie was actually a very good lesson on cost and production budgeting. Future movie producers take note; fight sequences should be no longer than 30 seconds, cut production costs and complications, add sword slashing mixed gunfire sound effects followed by a shot from behind a closed door. Door opens and do a zoom from Mila’s crotch to her face showing how pissed/sexy/(insert mood here) she is and the more nonsensical the script is, the better.

It starts of promising enough, I would say the first 6 minutes of the film had me stoked. The forced entry of the 5 “Ninjas” was superbly impressive but after the story unfolds it becomes clear that even the director had bawled from under. No points there.

Touch Ma Anaconda

Like a bad mix of the The Touch starring Michelle Yeoh, Matrix 4.5 and Anaconda and it has one too many points of dramatization, done in bad taste. A sad attempt to humanize an obviously non-human Violet such as the part where the ugly doctor with bad teeth opens up to her didn’t hit bullseye or when she realized she had done something wrong by leaving her kid with her credit card. (Come to think of it… what the hell was she thinking leaving her credit card with a kid!!) Even then scenes were often too brief to get a grasp of what was happening around you.

And what’s up with the nose filter device on Daxus anyway? It looked like they stuffed two thimbles up his nose. The least they could do was stuff it in properly in the final scene. It was almost falling out, sheesh!! What also got to me was a sort of blurred smoothing effect they used on the characters; I think it was to hide skin blemishes. Mila had quite a few rough spots up close Haha.

As it progresses, the deeper it goes down the drain. The CG work deteriorates and so does the pace of the story. At around halfway I was wishing it would just end, that violet would cut off my head so that I would wake from this nightmare all sweaty and disturbed. Trust me. It is not good. All the hype, Mila’s hot bod and the posters… it’s all just great marketing. Don’t believe what you see, believe what I say and when I say its crap it usually is. Compared to Aeon Flux, I’d give Ultraviolet 11 out of 10 possible stars. 10 for being the worse ever. Give it a miss. You have been warned.